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StellHell

Humortråden!

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23 timmar sedan, StellHell skrev:

Köper rakt av att man kan säga HEN om det pratas om en person som man inte vet något om. Om du bara vet att det är en person på andra sidan väggen men du inte vet om det är en man eller kvinna så är det defacto en HEN. Däremot skulle jag aldrig någonsin få för mig att använda HEN för att beskriva ett "tredje kön", då det är idiotiskt. Men annars, jättekul, haha..ha..? (Fel tråd om inte annat)

Någon humor finns det väl ändå i att det rasistiska, antifeministiska och högerextrema partiets ledare uttalar sig i extremvänster-termer vars ursprung härrör från (gamla*) socialism.nu?

Det tycker åtminstone jag är komiskt, om än från "fel" perspektiv.

(*Nya socialism.nu dock nedlagt nu)

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De som snickrade ihop det nu världskända (nåja i alla fall i Kina) "humorinslaget" >_< om hur kineser ska bete sig i Sverige till Svenska nyheter borde kanske ha kikat lite på Faktums gamla "Kina TV" innan. De lyckades häckla både svensk och kinesisk politik utan att det blev plumpt.

 

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Efter att ha läst om den totalsågade nya musikalfilmversionen av Cats gick jag nyfiket in på imdb för att kolla av läget. Jösses, ettorna haglar verkligen från användarna!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5697572/reviews?ref_=tt_urv

Några omdömmen: " There is no God", "I no longer have a will to live", "Unintentionally One of the Greatest Horror Movies Ever Made", "My eyes are bleeding", "If cats have nine 9 lives, this movie killed all of them", "This movie made me physically sick ", "Can someone from the M.i.B please wipe this from my mind? ", "I made this account just to give Cats 1 Star ", "Should be considered as a crime against humanity ", "Doesn't even deserve a cat pun."

... allvarligt kan något vara SÅ dåligt? :lol::huh:

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Hur ser man på en "isländsk" "prinsessa" att hon inte är isländsk?

På hennes mörka ögon.

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10 minuter sedan, dibel skrev:

Hur ser man på en "isländsk" "prinsessa" att hon inte är isländsk?

På hennes mörka ögon.

Hur kan man annars se på en "isländsk" "prinsessa" att hon inte är isländsk?

På förnamnet.

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18 minuter sedan, dibel skrev:

Hur kan man annars se på en "isländsk" "prinsessa" att hon inte är isländsk?

På förnamnet.

Hur kan man slutligen se på en "isländsk" "prinsessa" att hon inte är isländsk?

Hon jobbar på "public" "service". I SVERIGE?!

Bra kungafader du hade, mannen!

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3510048.jpg

https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-SUGAR-Classic-Gummi-Bears/product-reviews/B006J1FBLM

Citera

One of our beloved physicians brought a bag of gummy bears to work to share with the staff one night shift. Not realizing they were the famous dreaded sugar free gummies multiple staff throughout the shift grabbed a handful of gummies while passing by and each have their own near miss stories but this is mine...

The next morning I have to run an errand about and hour and a half from my house. On the drive home down a curvy back country road my stomach suddenly begins to cramp and I feel the immediate urge to empty my bowels. Frantic, as I realize Im not going to make it home I start searching for a place to pull over. The end of a gated logging road perhaps? Im speeding along, arching my back, practicing lamas breathing techniques, anything to stall the inevitable. I pass the first turnoff that has a sheriffs car parked at the end and keep searching with sweat pouring down my forehead and bubbling noises in my guts that drown out the heavy metal on the stereo. Finally! I spot the end of a brushy trail and whip my truck sideways, thrusting the drivers side door open and leaping from the seat to scurry around to the other side. I turn around with fingers in waste band about to drop trow and look up to my horror realizing it is indeed the end of a driveway and the folks outside are staring down toward me probably wondering what this crazed individual is about to do. For several moments I seriously considered just completing the task and running away but couldnt imagine my parents seeing the cell phone video of myself on social media later in the day. I scurried back around the truck and halfway there my ability to hold back the hot lava flow of liquid stool from making a hastey exit out of my spasming rectum was lost and I crapped my pants right there on the side of the road standing next to my truck. My bowels cramped up and expelled every drop of liquid from my body. At that point Im now standing there with leggings full of hot liquid stool running into my shoes and debating on what the next best course of action should be. Of course I have no extra clothes or any towels in my truck. What do I do? Do I call someone? Do I drive home the remaining 20 minutes? After a few moments of self reflection I decided to strip off my shirts and lay them on the seat of my truck and get inside. It was a rather uncomfortable drive home with the windows all down and skin burning on the backs of my legs and buttocks. It was one of the longest 20 minute periods of time Ive ever experienced in my entire life. I alternated between crying and laughing at the situation and checking the speedometer like a paranoid drunk thinking I cant possibly get pulled over right now because what would I say? Yes officer, I crapped my pants. Thats what that smell is. Tears streaming down my face. I finally arrive home, screeching to a hault in the driveway in front of the open automatic garage door I triggered as I was drifting the curve onto my road. Holding the bottoms of my pant legs closed tight I awkwardly stagger into my house and immediatly into the shower fully clothed.

Fast forward 3 weeks and Im at work hearing about the other incidents and the light bulb clicks on......

35 years old and I had to reset the clock for the "how long since you've last crapped your pants" countdown....

Thanks Dr Hanson

Lesson learned.......make sure the gummy bears are not the sugar free version.

Citera

My flight was leaving at 8 in the morning. After awaking and trying to get to the airport, I forgot to grab something to eat. I usually take my time and do things in order, but not this day. I was traveling from Boston to LA coming home from a work trip. I do it regularly so nothing was new to me. I stayed in the same hotel and knew the time I needed to leave to get to the airport on time. During my work trip, I stopped at a convenience store and saw these gummy bears and thought they would be a perfect gift for my son Charlie. He loves gummy bears and gummy worms. So the morning I was to head back to LA, I slept through my alarm. That never happens. I rushed to get out of the hotel and threw those gummies in my carry on bag to make it on time to the airport. After speeding and filling up gas in the rental, I made it to my gate as they were boarding.

I get on the plane and head down the aisle to find my window seat near the middle of the plane. I asked politely for the two adorable older ladies siting in the middle and aisle seats if I could pass by to my seat. They obliged. The lady in the middle must have been around 80 years old so it took her some time to get up and make sure she was holding on to something so she didn't fall as she stepped into the aisle. I thanked them as I sat and settled into my seat.

Fast forward 20 minutes as we reach our cruising altitude of around 30,000 feet in the air. As I reach into my carry on bag to grab my headphones, I see the gummy bears. Since I am hungry and need something, I decided to open them up and just have a few to hold me over until we land. I wanted to save some for my son so I maybe had 4 or 5. But I had 4 or 5 too many because once the bears had a few minutes to adjust to their new home, they began to work.

It started out with a little cramp. Which is normal with gassing on a plane. You do not want to fart on a plane so you hold it in. It is airplane etiquette. It would come and go over a few minutes so I thought nothing of it. Then it got worse. The cramps intensified, the sweating started, and I began to notice the older ladies looking over at me. About 30 minutes into eating these bears, my thinking went from, "Oh these are just farts, I can hold them," to "Oh dear God not here." I have been a Christian my whole life and this is the test. If there is a God, please help me leave this plane with my dignity intact.

After waiting for the intense cramp wave to pass, I stood up and jump over those two women. I could not wait for them to stand so I stood up, (my back facing them) and tried to shimmy pass them. I think a toot came out cause I heard one say, "Oh Lord, was that you?" After reaching the aisle, I waddled to the back of the plane where the least amount of risk would be. To my dismay, it was in use. That left one bathroom left in the front. I looked down the aisle and saw my Mt. Everest. I had to somehow keeps my wet cheeks tighter than Fort Knox whilst waddling forward, whilst praying no one gets out of their seats.

After 5 minutes of stop and go, I made it to the bathroom and was pulling my pants down as I entered the bathroom. The door was still unlocked as the sweet release was underway. I thought I died. I thought this was it. Even though I was on the throne confessing my sins, I thought my time was called. I lost count on how many knocks at the door there was. I must have been in there for 45 minutes, but I made it.

I washed my hands, and threw water in my face to calm me down. Opening the door, I saw the faces looking back at me. Apparently the seal to the bathroom was not air tight. Letting just the slightest airflow from that bathroom to the main cabin possible. These were daughters, mothers, and children looking at me. I could feel their questions and comments. "What have you done?" "We still have 2 hours left." "Please divert this plane."

As I began walking down, the man in the first row of first class grabbed my arm. He said, "Hey man, where is your seat?" Confused, I told him and he said, "Go get your stuff and come back and sit here, you need this more then me." I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had a family at home waiting for me.

I recommend theses bears to anyone. But please eat them responsibly.

Citera
I thought the things people said about sugar free gummies were exaggerated... what a fool I was. I write this in the hopes that future generations will break the cycle and never have to live through what happened to me in the harrowing hours that were to come.
That night I lay awake in bed, sweating, farting profusely, and unable to sleep because I had to run to the bathroom every few minutes. The stench was incomparable to anything I had ever smelled before. It was like being anally raped in reverse.
To pass the time, I read the article about Hiroshima and Nagasaki on Wikipedia. Perhaps I felt a kinship with the victims of the attacks, because it was like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my bowels. If regular diarrhea is Fat Man and Little Boy, the effect of these villainous bears on my anus was Tsar Bomba.
At one point I recalled Marlon Brando's monologue from Apocalypse Now, and suddenly I understood everything. If I saw my worst enemy approaching a bowl of these I would dive in front of it to save them from the horror of what I experienced on that black day. Woe betide anyone who fails to heed my warnings.

 

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